Let's Talk About the "Ace Phase"

CW: acephobia

First of all, I want to be very clear: phases are natural and good. We spend our whole lives trying to figure ourselves out. If you spend your time doing something that makes you happy (and doesn't hurt anyone), there's no reason why you should be ashamed of it. Phases are so often demonized when there's really no need. And this doesn't just apply to hobbies -- as you grow and learn more about yourself, you are going to find different identities that attract you. And if those change over time, that's okay too.

In fact, something I see online a lot is how a lot of people who are asexual went through a period of time where they believed themselves to be bisexual. Asexuals feel the same feelings towards everyone: nothing. However, since not many people know about asexuality, they will assume that, because they feel the same feelings to everyone, they're bi. Then they learn that instead of feeling attraction to all, they feel attraction to none.

However, there is another phenomenon within the LGBTQ+ community concerning asexuality and phases -- allo people will go through a period of time where they believe themselves to be asexual, only to realize they're not. Take this screenshot I took of a TikTok, for example.

Now, don't get me wrong. Any time that you spend with the asexual community is valid. Like I said: you're on your journey to figure yourself out, and that's going to have some wrong turns. The society we live in is incredibly over-sexualized, and young people who either aren't that interested in sex (usually because they're children) or who are prepubescent will gravitate towards the asexual community.

This is a bit of a touchy topic, but I want you all to understand: young people can know that they are asexual. I knew when I was in middle school, at a pretty young age. It is also true, however, that some kids (especially queer kids) will label themselves as asexual when, in reality they're allo and either uninterested in sex because of their age or dealing with internalized homophobia ("if I'm not attracted to the opposite gender then I guess I'm not attracted to anyone"). There is nothing wrong with either of these situations -- you'll grow up, you'll learn more about yourself, and you'll find a label that fits you better. In most circumstances, though, it's more harmful to shame a young person for identifying as ace than to support them. Yes, a 12- or 13-year-old might grow up a bit more and realize they are actually allo. But they might not, and the invalidation that they face at that young age will stick with them. It's not "sexualizing kids" to let them identify as ace, it's just a way for them to try to understand themselves better.

Are we all on the same page? I hope so.

The phenomenon of the "ace phase" is something that a lot of people experience, but I think the ways that people talk about it can be pretty harmful in a couple of different ways.

First, I don't like seeing all the people in the comments of these videos saying things like, "oh yeah, I'm in my ace phase now." Initially, it just confuses me. If you know you're not actually ace, why identify with it? I think some of it comes from a lack of understanding of what asexuality is. A lot of people believe asexuality is just having a disinterest in sex. So, they will see themselves in a period of time where they (are probably quite young and) don't have any desire to have sex, so they'll say they're "in their ace phase." It's not really a problem; once again, I'm never going to say someone can't identify as ace. But if you know that you're not actually ace, I don't understand why you're using us to make a point when saying "I'm a child" would do the same thing (and is probably more effective, even). And I do hope that all of us here know that's not what asexuality is.

Following that train of, I saw a lot of comments of people saying: "am I in my ace phase now?" And this brings me to the most important point of this post. Pushing forward the narrative that everyone goes through an ace phase makes baby aces start to tell themselves that their identity is only temporary and is something that they will grow out of. Do you remember a few paragraphs ago when I told you that it does more harm to invalidate kids in their "ace phase" than to validate their sense of identity? Yeah, this is why. Baby aces start to see everyone referring to their label and community as a phase, which just furthers that feeling of being broken. You're taking someone who might otherwise be comfortable in their identity and convincing them that it's actually wrong. I get that an "ace phase" is popular, but that's not all that asexuality is.

Another problem that seems to occur is queer people calling their ace phase "cringey." I've already addressed the fact that I don't think any phase you go through should be considered cringey, so I'll move on. Do you realize how hurtful it is for ace people to hear you refer to their identity -- their community -- as not just something temporary, but something bad?

Listen. I am happy that the asexual community makes you feel welcome and valid on your journey to discovering yourself. But for a lot of people, it's not a pitstop; it's the final destination. And our community is really important. It's such a slap in the face to see people refer to us as just a "cringey phase" that everyone is so grateful to grow out of, because there's nothing wrong with staying here.

Just in case any aces need to hear this: it's not just a phase. You are asexual, and that's okay. Good, even. There's nothing wrong with you, and you don't need to wait to grow up more to figure yourself out. You are perfectly valid just the way you are. I love you, and I'm rooting for you.

From yours truly,

Kendall