Let's Talk About "The A"

CW: acephobia, rape mention (vague and brief, nothing specific)

Okay, listen. I don't want to talk about this because I don't want to give this discourse any validity. But I'm going to talk about it, because I don't think I can have a blog where I talk about asexuality without addressing the giant purple elephant in the rainbow room.

Don't think I'm going to be thrilled about this. And before we get into it, I have a couple disclaimers.

Number one: I'm fully aware of my privilege. I stay in my own lane on these things (I speak on issues that affect me and my community, not trying to speak for everyone else). I have never and will never try to sit here and claim "oppression points" -- I know full well that I'm perceived as straight and that holds a lot of privilege.

Number two: Because of the privilege that I know I have, I am willing to hear other opinions here. I have already sought out many opinions on this, actually. But I intend to listen to other asexual people, not allos. Sorry, but when it comes to ace discourse, I've decided I'm going to follow the direction of the ace community.

Number three: I'm going to talk about this once, and then that's going to be it. If you want me to elaborate on anything or you just want to chat, you are absolutely welcome to reach out. But I'm not going to fight you. I'm tired.

Are we all on the same page? Okay. Let's talk about the "A" in LGBTQIA+.

Why are there so many letters anyway? Are you really going to force me to say that much every time I refer to the community?

Fear not, reader, I am aware that saying "LGBTQIA+" every time you want to reference the community is a mouthful. Full disclosure, I don't even go out to the A every time. Usually I just use "LGBTQ+" or "LGBTQ" because it's easier. But here's my general guide to what matters to me, as an asexual.

I don't need you to go out to the A every time. However, it is always really nice to hear someone make a point to say the full acronym. Knowing that someone has taken the time to educate themselves on each of the letters (and include them in their activism) is really nice. But no, it's not necessary every time.

The only times I would really expect someone to use the full acronym is in formal writing or broad activism. The former should be obvious: it's just better writing practice. For the latter, I can't tell you how many times I've come across queer activists or organizations that stop at I. At that point it feels intentional. In this case, though, "LGBTQ+" is also acceptable, because I'm aware there are multiple "full acronyms."

Anyway, the point is, no one is expecting you to use every letter every time if you don't want to. It's a nice gesture of inclusivity if you do, but I have bigger things to worry about.

What does the A stand for?

Believe it or not, the A actually stands for many things. If you're here, I'm sure you've already guessed one of them: asexuality. The other words you'll hear most commonly are aromantic and agender. Similar to asexuality, aromantics experience little to no romantic attraction. They may or may not be asexual, and there is a spectrum within it as well. I hope you're catching on to the pattern now: agender is defined as not having a gender. Now, I'm alloromantic (experience romantic attraction) and cisgender, so I'm not the best source for education on these identities. I know the definitions and can speak somewhat generally, but I shouldn't be an authority of any kind. Please seek out aromantic or agender activists to hear more from them on their own experiences.

But I digress. The A stands for anything that deviates from heteronormativity and the gender binary that also starts with an A. The three most common terms you'll hear are asexual, aromantic, and agender.

The important thing to understand is that the A does not stand for "ally." Listen, we hear you and appreciate you, but you're not in the community just because you're not a bigot. Frankly, that's the bare minimum I expect from everyone. Historically, apparently the A did occasionally mean ally because that was a way closeted people could claim the community without outing themselves, but that's really not the case anymore.

Are aces really in the LGBTQ+ community?

Yes! Of course they are! The LGBTQ+ community is meant to encompass anyone who doesn't fit into heteronormativity and the gender binary. By definition, aces are included. In fact, here's a photo by Crawford Barton taken in 1973 (found here):

Even straight aces?

Sigh ... yes, even the straight aces. And let me explain to you why.

Asexuality is not a qualifier for the real identities. Whatever an asexual's romantic attraction is doesn't matter in determining the validity of their asexuality. Asexuality is a complete and whole identity on its own. Whether someone is aromantic, heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic, anything -- it doesn't matter. Aces don't owe you any justification for their asexuality based on their romantic attraction.

In fact, not everyone does qualify their asexuality with their romantic attraction. I can talk more specifically about the Split Attraction Model at a later day, but it's something a lot of aspec people use. And while it is helpful for clarity, it also can cause problems in the greater perception of aces. An asexual person doesn't owe you their romantic attraction: calling themselves asexual is enough. I use heteroromantic to describe myself, but it's more of just a point of reference. The feelings I do have will probably be towards men, but my asexuality is so much more important to understanding how I perceive love and sex and relationships.

There's a weird habit online that people have where they assume someone is a "straight ace" whenever someone mentions being asexual. It's weird to automatically assume every ace person is heteroromantic and cisgender.

But no matter what an ace's gender or romantic identity is, asexuality inherently undermines the heteronormative standards set by society on its own. As does every other identity in the ace spectrum.

But ace people don't experience oppression just for being ace!

First of all, admission into the community is not based on legality or level of oppression. White gay men that live in US cities have a lot more privilege than black trans women living in rural areas, but that doesn't matter -- their queerness is not defined by legality or how much they struggle.

And second of all, it's just ... wrong.

On a more personal level, aces are often met with a slew of invalidation when they come out to people.

"Maybe you just haven't met the right person!"

"You're just a late bloomer."

"What's special about not wanting to have sex?"

"You're too pretty to be ace!"

Additionally, there's this weird perception that people have where sex is a necessary part of relationships. For certain people, sure, I can respect that. But every relationship doesn't need sex (often or at all). The implication that aces are going to be burden on potential partners is ignorant and hurtful.

Within the broader queer community, some people seem to believe that a person's queerness is only real if they have sex. Which is weird for a lot of reasons. This is a conversation that's been going on a lot in the context of YA books. I feel pretty confident in saying that a person's queerness is valid whether or not they have sex with someone of the same gender.

Anyway, the point is: ask almost ace person and we'll tell you about how there was a period of time where we felt (or were made to feel) broken because of our identity. That word, "broken." It's used a lot in ace spaces.

Moving a bit broader. Asexuality was considered a medical disorder until it was officially removed from the DSM-5 just in 2013. There are still sexual disorders there, but they exclude those who self-identify as asexual. So I guess it's better? Aces also face abuse and corrective rape where people will try to forcibly "fix" someone's asexuality. Asexual people also have a lot of issues medically where their asexuality will, once again, be viewed as something that needs to be fixed -- this one I'm sure gets even worse once you introduce intersectionality and consider that not all aces are able-bodied, cis, white people.

You can google more examples of issues that people face because of their asexuality if you need more convincing.

Honestly, there's more I could say, and I'll probably talk about it again in the future. There are plenty of acephobic arguments online that I love to fight back against. But when I do talk about acephobia, I'm going to do it in such a way that clears up misconceptions about asexuality. Because let me very clear: most of these people are too busy invalidating asexuality to realize that their whole stance of "asexuality is valid just not in the community!" is flawed. Most of these people don't even know what asexuality actually is.

But what I'm not going to do is keep talking about if asexual people have a place in the LGBTQIA+ community. Honestly, it's just not a fight that I have the energy to keep up. The A is there for a reason, and I don't have to justify myself to you.

From yours truly,

Kendall