Let's Talk About Sex

CW: sex (duh)

When a lot of people talk about asexuality, they think it all comes down to whether or not someone wants to have sex. Something we hear a lot is that we're "not special for not wanting to have sex," as if that's a universal experience for aces. Conveniently, though, we have a whole set of words that help define feelings about sex. And while these phrases are used a lot in ace spaces, they're not asexual-exclusive. They're just clarifying terms to help us talk about sexuality more effectively.

I'm going to start with a phrase that I'm willing to bet you've already heard before: sex positive. Sex positivity refers to the idea that people should be free to explore and embrace their sexuality without judgement. It's important to understand that this is a very broad term. It has nothing to do with one's personal opinions on sex. Sex positivity deals with the broader idea that no one should be shamed for their sexual activity -- a person can be completely celibate and still be sex positive. Sex positivity also plays a pretty big role in modern feminism; in a society where women are expected to keep themselves "pure" for their future partners, sex positivity instead says that a woman should be free to explore her sexuality the same way her male counterparts do. That's something I'll elaborate more on later, but for right now it's just important to know that sex positivity is more of a social philosophy than an identity.

Getting into more personal attitudes about sex, sex repulsed is what everyone thinks asexuality is. This means that someone is, you guessed it, repulsed by the idea of sex. And, just like everything else that has to do with asexuality, this is also not a "one size fits all" term. Some people may only be repulsed by the idea of having sex themselves (but being okay with sexual media, masturbation, etc.), whereas other people may try to avoid any and all mentions of sex. There can be lots of reasons as to why someone is sex repulsed, and it's really just none of our business. Just be respectful, as with everything else -- don't force people to rehash all their trauma so that you can understand their asexuality better.

On the other side of things, sex favorable describes someone who wants and desires sex. This is what I would assume most allo people would consider "normal," while obviously still lacking attraction. In a relationship, a sex favorable person would be willing (and eager, I guess?) to have sex with the partner. Average to high libido would probably fall here. There's not much for me to say here, so let's just move on.

Sex neutral (you also might see "indifferent" or any other synonym, I usually say neutral though) is when someone is just indifferent to sex. I'm willing to bet that this is most common among aces, although I have no statistics to support this. Someone that falls here wouldn't have strong feelings either way -- maybe they would have sex, maybe they wouldn't. I've seen some ace people who would probably have sex if their partner wanted to, but wouldn't be the one to initiate it. Other people don't have sex completely off the table, but would probably only do it given certain conditions. These are just a couple variations. What you need to know is that sex neutral people just don't have strong feelings either way.

Every ace person's relationship and attitude towards sex will be different. Sexual desire and sexual attraction are different things. What a person chooses to do is a choice that can be made independently of their attraction. However, attraction clearly does have an influence (obviously, people sexually attracted to their own gender will generally exclusively have sex with that gender). But an asexual person is no more or less ace for their choice to have sex or not. It's up to the individual and their partner(s).

And, dear reader, do you want to know the best part of these last three terms (sex repulsed, favorable, and neutral)? They don't just have to apply to ace people!

Yeah, we're the ones most likely to use specific words to describe our feelings, but it's a universal experience. Everyone on Earth has an opinion on whether or not they want to have sex, how often they want to have it, who they want to do it with, etc.

So ... why is this considered an asexual topic?

I feel like asexuals are expected to give exact definitions to describe how we feel about sex so that it makes sense to everyone. But no allo person is owed one of these terms from an ace person. In fact, let me make myself very clear: if someone comes out as asexual to you, you do not get to demand they disclose their feelings about sex. We use these terms amongst ourselves to help make sense of what asexuality means in an allosexual world. And expecting ace people to go into detail about what they do or don't enjoy concerning sex is gross and intrusive.

Just like most situations, if someone volunteers the information, go ahead and talk about it. If you're close with an asexual person and your relationship is good with that kind of conversation, great. But if just anyone comes out to you as ace, you do not immediately get to ask them about their sexual preferences.

If you're an ace person reading this, the point I want to make very clear to you is that the only qualifier you need to label as asexuality is to feel a lack of sexual attraction. Whether you like and have a lot of sex or if you avoid sexual content like the plague, you're still asexual. You don't have to justify yourself, or your asexuality, to anyone.

From yours truly,

Kendall