Let's Talk About Labels

People love labels. We love to come up with little words to summarize an entire group of people’s shared experiences. Psychologically, our brains like to work as little as possible; by sorting people into groups, we can easily sort them into categories. When it comes to the LGBTQ+ community, there’s an insane amount of labels out there: lesbian, gay, bi, trans, pan, nonbinary, etc. Even just within the asexual community, there’s a multitude of microlabels for one to use: aegosexual, apothisexual, bellussexual, caedsexual, and so many more. Even things like demisexual and gray-ace.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to quiz you on all these. But the sheer amount of labels leads many people ask the question, do we really need labels? Why can’t people just … exist? In fact, these people on Facebook (taken from a post a long time ago) even said it outright.

Admittedly I don’t like their tone very much, but I understand their point. The original comment is right: it would be a lot easier to not have to worry about labels, and instead just live our lives. I think that YouTuber and author Daniel Howell puts it pretty well in his video "Basically I'm Gay."

"We live in a heteronormative world, which is a long scary word that makes people feel attacked for some reason. What it means is that people are presumed to be straight. If you're not, at some point you have to come out. Which is ... a whole thing. Or people might just try to guess based on something you do or the way you act, because yay stereotypes. This is something you have to be clear on because, if you're not, how will all these people who aren't you going to cope?"

The point he's getting at here is that society has turned sexuality into something that needs to be presented and announced to other people. If you're not straight, you better tell us. And this is a different conversation when you start talking about celebrities or influencers or anyone in the public eye (which I'm sure I'll talk about someday). But the point still stands that, in general, our obsession with putting people in boxes can be overall harmful. Nobody should have a label forced on them before they're ready, because understanding who you are is a process. It does a lot of harm to insist upon everyone fitting into the exact right box just to make them make more sense to you.

My issue comes more with the second comment. First of all, I'm not giving this person's opinions too much credit because of their blatant transphobia -- he/she are not the only available pronouns, and in a later comment they deliberately misgender someone else's child -- if you're trying to convince me that you care about LGBTQIA+ people, maybe don't start transphobia. Anyway, the basic premise of their comment is correct. Someone else's sexuality or identity really isn't your business. But simplifying it down to that is a really ignorant opinion to have.

As Dan said, we live in a heteronormative society. This means that our society is catered towards cishet people. This means queer people are at a disadvantage when it comes to figuring ourselves out and understanding ourselves. I can't speak for everyone, but I know this is true of a lot of people's asexuality. I've talked before about how a lot of ace people really connect with feeling broken and like something is wrong with them.

Identifying openly as ace is really important to me, as someone who has danced around the label for so long. For most of my life, I knew I was ace and knew that I wasn’t going to tell anyone. I figured it could just be my own business; I could go on living a normal looking life, and no one would be the wiser. But as I got older, I realized that I’m not living a normal life. Whatever relationship I have will not be “normal” -- for my own sake, it can’t be.

A lot of people will make fun of the idea of ace people coming out to their parents. “What are you going to say? ‘Mom, dad, I have to tell you something. I don’t want to have sex.’” I’m going to assume we’re all on the same page that this is not what asexuality is, but it’s also just wrong. Many ace people will come out to LGBTQ+ affirming parents, only to be told that they’re not actually ace. That it’s a phase, that they’ll find the right person, that maybe something is wrong with them. Parents will push the idea of their kids getting married and having grandkids onto their children, which makes aspec people scared to come out and tell their parents that they won’t have that. And that’s why these labels are important for people, and why you don’t get to say they’re not. Labels represent a community, and they show us that we’re not broken.

A cishet allo person saying they don’t care about labels because it’s none of their business is just them choosing to claim ignorance. I’m not saying you have to know every single word, but you don’t get to complain about others using them. Someone owning who they are is a big deal, and you should be proud of them, not dismissive. In our current times, homophobia and transphobia are still rampant in society. Homosexuality is illegal in many countries. Anti-trans bills are common and being pushed forward throughout the world. Christians are still traumatizing gay children through their homophobic practices and conversion therapy. Labels are important because these identities are still seen as abnormal, but they’re not. And when a cishet allo person complains about them, you’re just saying that you don’t care about that.

Now, I know what you’re probably thinking: Kendall, didn’t you open this post talking about how people shouldn’t be shoved into boxes. And you’re right. I did say that. I watched as Dan Howell was harassed for years with people assuming his sexuality and trying to put a label on his relationship with his partner, Phil Lester, for years before he was ready to do that himself. I know what that kind of pressure can do for someone. There are plenty of queer people who don’t care to put a label on themselves, and instead want to just live their life. And that’s perfectly fine. If you don’t care, you don’t have to. No one can force a label onto you. Honestly, a lot of people just use the word “queer” to describe themselves.

Labels are just words. They’re tools that we use to understand ourselves and other people. If you personally don’t want to use them, that’s fine. But you never get to tell another person they’re wrong for using them, especially if you’re cishet and allo. This may seem like an anticlimactic conclusion, but it’s the truth. It doesn’t matter to me if you want to use a million different microlabels to classify every detail of yourself, or if you just want to say “queer” and call it a day. I will defend your right to do either one. We, as people, should respect people’s right to call (or not call) themselves whatever they want. Again, labels are tools that are here to be used by you however you want to. Just be respectful of one another.

From yours truly,

Kendall