Let's Talk About Dating Aces

CW: a lot of acephobia, mentions of NSFW stuff, vague transphobia (also very brief), biphobia mentions (no details)

This one took me a while to write, despite sitting on the concept for over a month now. I normally don't mind diving into acephobia on the Internet, but this one really got to me. If anything, though, I think that makes it all the more important to write.

There was a weird TikTok trend a while back where someone would post a video asking something along the lines of "would you date an asexual person?" The comments would be filled with a variety of answers, most of them very upsetting to see as an ace person. These are some real comments that I'm taking from one of those videos (edited mildly for grammar/typos and obviously all anonymous) -- for context, this particular video was asking if you would break up with someone for being ace.

"Sorry but yes, my love language is physical touch and intimacy. I don't think I'd be happy in a relationship without those things."

"Wouldn't get into a relationship with someone who's ace to begin with. I don't want them to feel obligated or dread to do the things I need in a relationship."

"Yes, my love language is touch and I don't think I could handle not being able to touch them. Like, that's obviously not the reason that I date, but it's part of the relationship I need. But I 100% will support them and not shame them."

"I don't think I'd be happy in a relationship without touch :("

"I'd be very sad about it but I'd have to"

"I wouldn't put myself in the position to date an ace person in the first place because I'm hypersexual and I'd be terrified of pushing boundaries."

"100%, I need that love and affection, and without it that's a friendship. I'd keep them in my life, but not as a partner."

This is just a sample of admittedly the worst comments from just one video, but most comments follow this general idea. Most of the other comments were from ace people expressing how painful it was to see all these comments. So, I just want to unpack a little bit of why this trend and these common comments are really, really hurtful to ace people.

First, just so we're on the same page, saying as a blank statement that you wouldn't date someone who is ace is acephobic. And it does make you an ignorant jerk. But, like with every trend of "would you date someone who is ___" -- why do you need to tell everyone? If you have a preference like this, just keep it to yourself. Having quiet preferences is fine, but if you're going out of your way to tell us, then you're a jerk.

I would also like everyone to consider for a second that someone who is sex favorable and has strong romantic and aesthetic attraction may never know that they're ace, or they might never come out. What then?

Anyway, a big thing that a lot of asexual people have to work through is the voice in our heads that tells us we are not worthy or deserving of love. That being asexual is not a problem we are creating for other people. And frankly, this trend doesn't help on that front. I've seen quite a few videos more recently (after this trend died down) being like, "Wow, it really sucks that trend existed," and people in the comments would genuinely be questioning it. Like, "why is it so bad for people to have a preference? It doesn't mean they don't support you, they just don't want a relationship with an ace person." You're telling me you wouldn't be hurt to see people talking about you -- about your community -- like that?

Ace people are not a hypothetical scenario for you to play with. We aren't an ethical dilemma for you to consider. We are real people who just sat here and watched you debate the merit of. And then you expect us to be happy about it because you assure us that you still support us. Great. I can assure you that there was no reason for these conversations to happen other than to hurt ace people.

Besides, what makes you think I want to date an allo person?

The person who posted the video that I pulled all those original comments from is ace. It makes me more sad than angry about it. I hope that she knows that if she wants a relationship, that is possible. Her asexuality isn't a problem, and she can find someone who will love and support her for all of who she is. But that doesn't mean what she did with this video was okay. She was liking a lot of comments that had a blatant misunderstanding of asexuality as if they were valid opinions. And most importantly, she was ignoring other ace people saying how much it hurt to see these comments.

The comments.

Now that we've covered why these videos are harmful, I want to pick apart the comments. But first I want to make myself abundantly clear. No one is required to date anyone else, and you are allowed to break up with someone for any reason. Please do not think that I am here telling you that if you break up with an ace person then you're inherently acephobic. That's not what I'm saying at all; if the relationship doesn't work, there's nothing to do about that. But that doesn't make all these comments correct, either.

"I want my partner to be sexually attracted to me."

I didn't cite one of these comments, but I definitely did see a couple. I wanted to get this one out of the way first, because at least they understand what asexuality is. And I'm not particularly mad about it, but ... this doesn't make sense to me. To be fair, it could be because I'm ace -- you're welcome to correct me if I'm wrong here. But, really? You need someone to be sexually attracted to you? Them being romantically and aesthetically and otherwise attracted isn't enough? To me it seems rather needy. But again, maybe I don't get it. Moving on.

"Physical touch is my love language [or otherwise really important to me]."

Good news! Asexuality doesn't make you scared of physical contact. Some of you that know me might be reading this and thinking, "But Kendall, you don't like physical contact." And you'd be right, but that's because I have anxiety, not because I'm ace.

Joking! Mostly.

But really, my aversion to physical contact has nothing to do with my asexuality. I'm okay with hugging my friends, I don't mind having the little kids I work with clinging onto me, and I usually like to be around people, I just prefer to have my space. And again, I think that's unrelated to my asexuality because I know that's not a universal experience. I am also not the poster-child for asexuality -- I am but one small ace in a much larger world. There are plenty of aces who like and value physical contact. And get this: some aces even have physical touch as their love language!

"Sure, but I don't want to be abstinent for the rest of my life."

Ugh, yeah, okay. To be fair: yeah, if you're a sex favorable person wanting to have a monogamous relationship with a sex repulsed ace, that relationship is probably not going to work and you should both seek out other people.

But get this: "asexuality" is not a one-size fits all label. There are sex favorable aces out there who want to have sex with their partners. Even some sex neutral people might be willing to have sex for their partner. Some ace people are polyamorous and may have multiple partners involved to satisfy everyone's needs. Other sex repulsed aces may be willing to create a certain open relationship system where the sex favorable allo partner is able to still have sex.

Sexual compatibility is not guaranteed in any relationship, but to put the blame on asexuality (more specifically, on the asexual person) isn't fair. Not all ace people are the same, so to put us all into the same category is ignorant.

"I get that ace people can have sex, but it would hurt me so bad to know that my partner is forcing themselves to have sex with me just to make me happy."

Okay, yeah, as a general rule, forcing people to have sex with you is really, really awful and you should never do that. Enthusiastic consent only, my friends.

But, come on, you know that's not what I'm describing here. When people are in relationships, they quite often will do things that they aren't interested in to make their partner happy. I made my ex boyfriend read the whole Harry Potter series, and I promise you that he couldn't have cared less about the books. But he did it because it mattered to me and made me happy, and sometimes that's what you when you care about someone. An ace person who doesn't have strong feelings about sex either way is not "being forced to do something that they hate;" they're engaging in an activity that they otherwise might not care about in order to make their partner happy.

I'm going to assume for a second that this hypothetical situation is one in which both people experience romantic attraction. That means the ace partner is romantically and (most likely) aesthetically attracted to the allo partner. A lack of sexual attraction doesn't mean that someone is completely repulsed by people; they can be attracted in other ways. So, anything the ace partner does for the allo partner can be seen as a result of those forms of attraction.

"Look, it's nothing personal, and I would be down for a great friendship!"

Yikes. Why do people have this weird tendency to view friendship as a consolation prize for a failed romantic relationship instead of a separate form of connection all together?

Listen, if I was with someone, they found out I was asexual, and told me they weren't interested in a relationship specifically because of my asexuality -- no, they do not get to remain in my life. I'm fully aware that I'm not going to be compatible with a lot of people, and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. But, like many ace people, I have done so much work to overcome the idea that my asexuality is a barrier that prevents me from having a romantic connection with another person. I have worked so hard to be proud of my asexuality instead of viewing it as another issue to deal with (which, yes, is the reason I came out publicly and have not shut up since). I am not going to let some ignorant person come into my life believing that my asexuality -- that who I am -- is a problem for them.

Again, I don't want to sound like I'm saying anyone must be in a relationship with anyone else. But saying that you wouldn't date someone who is ace and then tagging on that you still support us or you would absolutely be open to a friendship is not the support you think it is.

The "preference" phenomenon, as I've witnessed it and as it relates to asexuality specifically.

Whenever these types of posts crop up, you always see the same thing in the comments: all of the comments are about the majority group, not the actual minority being affected. Before this trend hit the asexual community, I saw TikTok go through the exact same thing but with trans people and bi people. And every time, it forces the minority group to reassure the others why they're worthy of their love/attention.

Let me put it this way: Asking the question of "would you date __ people" very quickly turns into "__ people need to advertise themselves as to why we are capable of fitting into heteronormative expectations of a relationship." It doesn't consider the needs of the minority group, only how they can meet those demanded by the majority. For example, when TikTok was asking if you'd be willing to date a trans person (which sparked the "super straight" nonsense), people spent so much time explaining how trans people can fully transition and other ways they could be seen as "acceptable" to the general transphobic public (which is obviously really gross and transphobic, but I don't have a better way to describe it as it's been a while since these videos were popular). It took a decent amount of time until we finally saw trans people pointing out that they don't exactly have any desire to date these people anyway, so the whole discussion is pointless.

Anyway, the same thing was happening with the asexual version of the discussion. We saw a lot of asexual people in comment sections saying that they understood why people wouldn't want to date aces, and how it's perfectly valid to say so! And again, the problem is with the flaunting, not the preference itself. But ... look at what I just spent paragraphs doing. I just wrote out an entire blog post explaining why an allosexual person should be comfortable with asexuality by describing how asexuality can fit into our heteronormative expectations.

Let's try something different. Allo people need to reframe how they understand relationships and sex. The way sex is present in a relationship is up to the people within the relationship, no matter how both people identify. Not every relationship is going to perfectly traditional. If that's what you want, I'm not going to stop you. But perhaps it's worth spending time dismantling what you view as an acceptable or "normal" relationship. And stop expecting asexual people to justify their sexuality to you in order to be seen as respectable.

I also have a feeling that ace people insisting that "we can still feel love" as a reason why allo people should respect us is just further alienating our aromantic friends, but I haven't discussed this idea with an aro person to know for sure. But if you're ace, make sure your asexual pride isn't carrying any arophobia along. We're in this together.

Concluding thoughts.

Asexuality is not a problem in relationships. It's not a burden that we are putting on our potential partners. Part of the reason that a lot of ace people only want to date other ace people is because of the way allos view and talk about our sexuality.

Again, you are allowed to break up with someone for any reason. Some people are just not meant to be together; it may hurt at the time, but it's okay. But "asexuality" isn't the problem -- it's not being sexually compatible, or a disconnect of needs, or a lack of communication, or any other issue. Again, one partner's asexuality is no more of an issue in a relationship than the other's allosexuality. And when we create whole trends around debating the value of dating an ace person, all you're doing is reinforcing an idea for ace people that we work so hard to overcome. It's hard to be proud of something when it feels like the whole internet is trying to remind you that it's something to be ashamed of.

If you're ace and still reading this, I think you already know what I'm going to tell you. If a relationship is something you want, it is possible. There are other ace people out there, and there are allo people out there who aren't secretly acephobic. But romantic relationships are not everything! A person doesn't need a romantic or sexual partner to be whole -- this is a huge part of aspec awareness. Outside of relationships, make sure you surround yourself with people who celebrate your asexuality, not ones who see it as an issue.

From yours truly,

Kendall