Let's Talk About My Asexual Pride

CW: acephobia, general aphobia, talking about anxiety

Disclaimer: I know that this is not a uniquely asexual experience, and I also know that this is not the biggest issue in the world. This is just an explanation about how I've been feeling recently.

"I decided that I wanted to be proud too. I consumed more ace content and got more comfortable with it. I started talking about asexuality more, and eventually I told my closest friends that I was ace. At some point I decided that I didn’t want to hide at all. I wanted to be open and loud about my asexuality because I wanted to do my part to create a society where other baby aces wouldn’t have to feel broken." --Me, earlier this year in my First Post

If you know about my journey of identifying as asexual, you know that it was really important to me to feel proud about my asexuality. I didn't want it to be something I hid out of fear for the way people would react. I wanted to be confidently out, because I'm not afraid to fight an aphobe and I'm willing to educate people who are ignorant. And that is still absolutely true. But pride is complicated. Much more complicated than waking up on my 20th birthday and announcing to the whole world that I'm asexual.

If you follow my blog posts regularly, you might've noticed that my asexual-themed website has been churning out a lot of book content (rather than the thing I promised/have branded around). That's mostly due to the fact that I haven't been very proud of my asexuality recently, and I didn't know how to pretend like I was. Don't get me wrong: I'm not ashamed. I am confident in my asexuality. Just not proud of it.

I know it probably sounds weird, but I can explain myself.

I've mentioned in passing that it can be exhausting to be asexual online because of the constant stream of aphobia that we're being presented with. Recently things just got really, really bad. I saw a revival of the "would you date an ace person" trend, a brand new trend about how asexuality is a cringey phase that everyone went through, and then just the general ignorance that always exists. This all ramped up right as I was getting ready to start the new school year, so my anxiety swept it right up as something to be stressed about. The aphobia is always hard, but this hit me a lot harder than it normally does.

One of the things that really stands out was actually something that happened a while ago that I just learned about. There's an online content creator named Thomas Sanders that has been making videos online for many, many years now. He particularly makes content for kids, so I've outgrown his content a little bit, but I always believed he was a relatively unproblematic person (which, if you know anything about online content creators, you'll know that's a pretty rare thing to find). He also had a big queer audience, and somewhat revolutionized queer representation/acceptance online at the time. Recently, though, so many people started to talk about how awful he is and how he's a bad influence. It all came out of no where, and I figured most people were just starting controversy online. Then I figured out what actually happened: in 2016, Thomas made a post about how asexual and aromantic people were valid. And he wouldn't apologize for or back down on his acceptance of aspec people. And viewers were so bothered by this that they went out of their way to cancel him. If he ever shared fanart from a problematic person, he was at fault for not properly vetting them. People made things up about him dating a 17-year-old when he was 22. And a lot of those rumors are still being dragged up today, and I was seeing remnants of that.

To summarize: people were so angry about asexual and aromantic inclusion that they tried to drive someone off the Internet over it.

Yeah. That stung a little bit.

Just this past week, there was a post from popular LGBTQ+ activist Dan Savage in his advice column (warning: the link is NSFW, and also garbage, so don't feel like you have to read it) where he made it abundantly clear how he sees asexuality as a problem that people are imposing upon their partners (or potential partners). And you could argue that I should just brush that off and let ignorant people be ignorant, but this isn't just one person. Sure, Dan Savage is the verified account sharing this stuff, but plenty of people (especially queer people) agree with it. Believe me, that sentiment is shared on the Internet all the time.

It felt like everywhere I looked online was another person debating the validity of aspec identities. Or arguing against their existence. Or reinforcing to us how we're placing a large burden on potential partners. Or acting like we're incapable of love at all. Or going out of their way to remind us that we're weird. Unlovable. Annoying. Cringey. Broken.

So I shut down my asexual advocacy. I switched out my ace bookmark for a regular one. I didn't wear the ace ring (a black ring on the right middle finger, used by the ace community to identify one another). I wrote about books on my blog. I set up my dorm room in such a way that would hide my ace flag when I attend Zoom meetings. And I tried to put it out of my mind. Maybe if I finally shut my mouth and wasn't constantly telling people about it, nobody would know. More importantly, nobody would be able to say out loud all the things I was constantly hearing in my head.

I wish I could say there was some moment where I realized that was all wrong, and that's why I'm back to normal. But there's not. As is with the nature of my anxiety, it comes in waves. I got situated at school, the bad trends died down, and I was able to go back to thinking positively about asexuality. I've even been wearing my ace ring and the world did not end (in fact, not a single person has said anything about it).

Look, I'm not asking for your pity here. I'm fine; I've spent something like six years training my brain on how to deal with these thoughts. As I said in my disclaimer, I know that this is a very minimal issue in the grand scheme of things to talk about. But these are struggles that can come with asexuality. The thing I really want to stress here is that pride is not a one time decision. It's a process. Right now, I am proud of my asexuality, and some days I'm not. And that's okay, because there's always tomorrow.

There's an ace activist named Cody Daigle-Orians that I've been following for a while now. I actually discovered them just a few hours before I came out to my parents, and he is probably the main reason I went through with it. They post a lot of "ace dad advice," and I'm so unbelievably grateful for what he does. Recently, he posted something that I think is a good thought to end on. For as many struggles as there are that come with being asexual, there is a lot of good out there too. But being asexual is more than our struggles. "We are more than our obstacles."

https://video.wixstatic.com/video/1c7870_9c5dfcef98c34ea79785c9aed8a54739/360p/mp4/file.mp4

Here is a link to the tweet if my video here is not working.

If you're asexual, aspec, or even just questioning and reading this: I love your asexuality. I love that you either have or are continuing to figure yourself out.

When I first saw the video, I don't think I could've honestly said it. But now? I love being ace. I love the asexual community, with it's dumb cake jokes and all. I love the person I am because of my asexuality, not in spite of it. Yes, sometimes I get a little dark and twisty about it. But I do love my asexuality.

And I love that I get to share that with all of you.

From yours truly,

Kendall (who is actually wearing her ace ring on a regular basis now)