Let's Talk About Aphobia (And How to Avoid It)
- Kendall Carroll
- Nov 21, 2021
- 9 min read
Updated: Aug 26, 2023
As part of our book club that mostly was rereading books that were popular in middle school, my friend and I read The Selection series by Kiera Cass. This is a series of five books; the first three are about America Singer as she is a participant in the Selection (which is basically a version of the Bachelor for a dystopian royalty), and the last two are about her daughter Eadlyn as she hosts her own Selection. Today my biggest issue is with the last two -- The Heir and The Crown. Cass is known to be a conservative Christian, but the amount of blatant aphobic ideas being shoved in your face all the time in these books was alarming. When the books begin, Eadlyn is very disinterested in a relationship, and her entire arc in these books is about her learning how important it is to fall in love.
Reading these books got me thinking about how much aphobia there is in the world. Our society as a whole is allonormative, which means it functions under the idea that everyone is allosexual and alloromantic. This is the reason why aspec people feel so out of place -- our society is one that caters to the idea that being allo is normal and everything else is a mistake. Some of the most popular aphobic takes that I can think of are such deeply-held beliefs that many people might not even recognize them as aphobic.
Before we get into that, I want to think about where aphobia comes from. Well, acephobia alone is pretty straight forward. It’s a branch of general queerphobia, where people are uncomfortable with people deviating from what is viewed as “acceptable behavior” in a relationship. Someone outright rejects sex and perhaps even reproduction, and our heteronormative society is threatened.
Something that might surprise you about acephobia, though, is just how closely it connects to other types of intolerance, specifically transphobia and homophobia. While the asexual community is often viewed as entirely separate from these groups, the hate that we’re confronted with often takes similar shapes. A few weeks ago I talked about the acephobia that ramped up during ace week, specifically where people were under the assumption that the entire asexual community was trying to groom children. The idea here is that we are targeting prepubescent children and convincing them that their biological lack of sexual attraction is their permanent orientation, which opens the door for them to join a community of adults discussing sexuality. The logic here doesn’t really make complete sense, but it’s also not new. Queer people being predators and unsafe for children is a homophobic classic: “How could you expose children to sexuality like that?! At least wait until they’re older!” This, of course, is ignoring the fact that gay children exist. While the logistics are a little different for asexuality than other queer orientations, the point remains that no one is trying to describe detailed sexual encounters to a toddler. But queer orientations are not inherently sexual, even asexuality.
Acephobia also has a lot of roots in transphobia as well. Before I get into it, I want to be really clear: I am not equating the experiences of trans people to those of ace people. I am not saying one is worse than the other, or even conflating them in any way. This one aspect does correlate, however. I can link some Tumblr posts at the end that talk more about this (I know, Tumblr is not the best source in most cases, but they do outline things pretty well in this case). Anyway, once you start seeing more aphobia online, you start to notice patterns in the arguments, and you’d be surprised how much overlap there is with transphobia. A lot of ace activists (or even just people involved in ace spaces online) have noted that everyone who goes out of their way to attack ace people also happens to be a TERF (trans exclusionary radical feminist).
Sometimes this is overt. I’ve talked previously about how people believed we were pushing asexuality as a way to normalize puberty blockers and make their effects “acceptable.” Stuff like this is more of a double-hit than anything else, though. Asexuality as a whole has nothing to do with being transgender, and the same is true in reverse. Making baseless connections is just a way for TERFs to “validate” their fears.
Most of the time, though, these connections between acephobia and transphobia are a little more subtle. Bare with me here: let’s say that in many online spaces (particularly among queer people), people will agree that being transphobic is bad. Therefore, the TERF ideology isn’t going to easily gain traction in those spaces, because their arguments are seen as baseless and, well, TERF-y. However, you’ll start to notice that acephobia is a lot more accepted within queer spaces. So, TERFs will turn their attention to asexuality. Ace people are just straight people trying to invade queer spaces! Asexuality isn’t real, you just want to feel special! Now you’ve made asexuality look like a problem, because queer people want to protect their spaces. Well, now these core ideas have been accepted, and it’s much easier to get people to make the jump to trans-exclusionary ideology. Trans women are just men trying to prey on lesbians! Trans men aren’t real, they’re just tired of misogyny!
Once again, I am not at all trying to minimize the things that trans people have to go through. Trans people, especially those who are not white, have to deal with discrimination, oppression, and other struggles that I could never even imagine having to face. But when we look at online spaces especially, I think a lot of acephobia is just transphobia being made easier to swallow, which therefore makes acephobia a gateway to transphobia. It’s about making queerphobia as a whole more palatable to the general public, and asexuality is easy to use for that.
But there’s also another major aspect to aphobia, and that is amatonormativity. Amatonormativity was a term coined by a philosophy professor at Arizona State University named Elizabeth Brake. According to the Wikipedia page, it is described “a pressure or desire for monogamy, romance, and/or marriage.” This encompasses many different things: asexuality, aromanticism, anything non-monogamous, and frankly anyone just not interested in dating. The societal expectation that romance and relationships is necessaries is one of the biggest things people have to overcome in order to truly be an ally to aspec people.
A lot of this stems from the media we consume. I don’t know if you, dear reader, remember when Brave, Frozen, or Moana were released, but they were all praised for not having a love interest. Either the heroine saved herself, or the focus was placed on a different kind of relationship. While these were not the first stories to ever lack a romantic subplot for the main characters (Frozen obviously did with Anna, but it still subverted expectations so I’m going to continue to count it with the others), it was so different to see Disney promoting stories that showed you didn’t need to fall in love to be happy. Stories in popular media where love isn’t necessary -- or better yet, where singleness is celebrated -- are so rare. Children are shown that the fairytale ending has the prince falling for the princess. Teenagers are given books with protagonists like Eadlyn, where the story centers them becoming kinder and, in turn, learning to love. So if you don’t want that, something must be wrong with you.
There's a reason why aspec people often grow up thinking they're broken. And it's not just the media we consume. Most people hold these beliefs in some subtle way. If you don’t want sex, or god forbid you don’t want a relationship at all, then you’re doing something wrong. Aspec people have to be around these ideas all the time, and it really does start to take a toll on you. There are so many beliefs held by allos in society that can be really hurtful, and I would really love to stop seeing them around. These are some of the most popular that I think it’s time to let go of:
Being single is a bad thing. I remember once I was talking to a friend about how I felt like in the future I would end up living in some suburb surrounded by a bunch of families where all the moms would constantly try to set me up with random people and use me for convenient babysitting. This friend seemed bothered by this, and told me how sad it was that I imagined myself single for so long. I'm not opposed to being in a relationship, but I also know that realistically my potential dating pool is pretty small. And being single isn't sad to me. Sure, I think that getting married and living that life would be good. But I also know that I'll be able to live an equally fulfilling life if that doesn't happen. This is also bad for allo people, for the record. When we make being single something to be ashamed of, people could rush into relationships that might not be right for them. A relationship should be an optional supplemental aspect to life, not a requirement to be happy.
Having sex, or desiring it, is a sign of maturity. Yeah, we need to retire "virgin" being considered an insult. Genuinely, who cares if someone has sex or not? Usually you can't even tell one way or the other. I think this point is especially relevant for men -- they're seen as less than if they haven't had/don't want sex, because that's just "part of being a man." But just like you shouldn't judge people who do have sex, you shouldn't judge people who don't. Overall, we should just stop pretending that the act of having sex means anything more than it does.
Having children is a necessary step of life, and it's depressing when someone doesn't. I like kids, and I do want to be a parent at some point. But if that does happen, it doesn't mean I'm going to be happier than others because of it. Some people just don't like children. Some people aren’t fit to be parents for one reason or another. Some people like children but only when they can return the children to their parents. And some people might just not be interested in it. Good parents should be enthusiastic about being parents, not just doing it because they feel like they have to. But the implication that children are necessary for a fulfilling life is just wrong.
Someone who is uninterested in dating is cold or unkind. Relationships are nice, but they are not the only way to be happy. There could be any number of reasons why someone doesn't want to date. We have this perception in our society that being in a relationship will solve a lot of your problems, and that could not be more wrong. Like I said earlier, being single isn't a bad thing, and that doesn't change based on whether the person is looking for a relationship or not.
But wait! We're not done! As much as I do blame aphobia on the greater allo population, aces are not exempt from causing problems. If you've noticed, most of this post I've been saying aspec instead of "asexual" or "acespec." That's intentional. I'm should not be made a spokesperson for aromantic people, but I do feel like I have a duty to defend them here too. And a lot of aces will also perpetuate ideas that are harmful to both aromantics and other aces. And please note: these are asexual-central statements. It's still not my place to speak on aromantic issues, but it is my place to call out other aces on their nonsense.
"Some aces have sex! We're still normal!" Listen: yes, some asexual people have sex, and they should be treated with a lot more respect than they are. Obviously. But you're doing such a disservice to other asexuals when you say anything like this. Making asexuality fit into allo expectations doesn't make people more accepting of asexuality, it just makes you seem like "one of the good ones." Asexual people who don't desire sex are normal, too. When you’re doing asexual advocacy or education, it’s important to hold onto the idea that asexuality is valid no matter how someone experiences it. It’s a fine line to walk and can take some practice, but it’s incredibly important.
"Aces can still be in relationships! We're still human and can feel love!" Love is not the thing that makes us human. Aro people who don't experience love are still human. You cannot support asexuality while throwing aromantic people under the bus. We are very different orientations, but we are related. Also: aromantic and aroace people can still be in relationships! But even if they're not, it doesn't matter. Falling in love is not the only thing that matters -- connections and community still exist without love. Asexual people are worthy of your respect and acceptance regardless of if they are willing to be in relationships, and aromantic people are the same way.
These last two come from another aspect of aphobia that is more for aspec people (specifically asexuals) to understand. Fighting for asexual acceptance is not -- and should not -- be about making asexuality fit into allo expectations. Playing into amatonormativity and allonormativity is not making people understand aspec identities more. Our orientations inherently go against societal expectations, and that’s okay. Yes, it’s going to be challenging to people to understand, and that can be exhausting to deal with. But that doesn’t mean we should be required to simplify ourselves to fit into the boxes they want to put us in.
I hope that understanding more about what aphobia looks like will help prevent it from seeping into everyday attitudes. If you notice, most of the things that I call out directly aren’t even always directed at aspec people. But aphobia isn’t justified just because the person you’re talking to isn’t ace or aro (I mean, how do you even know for sure?). The damage is still the same either way. These ideas hurt all of us, but they especially make it hard for aspec people to find contentment in their identities. Just try to rethink some of the ideas you have, and consider if they’re putting unfair expectations on people. If they are, maybe it’s time to revise some things.
From yours truly,
Kendall
PS, if you're interested in some of those Tumblr posts connecting aphobia and transphobia, here are the links:
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