Let's Talk About Asexuality

What is asexuality?

Someone who is asexual (also known as "aces") experiences little to no sexual attraction. This is an umbrella term: some people experience absolutely no sexual attraction, whereas others might experience it in very specific circumstances. For example, demisexual is a label that refers to people who only experience sexual attraction once they have an emotional connection to someone. Asexuality is a spectrum, and anywhere you happen to fall is incredibly valid.

Another important term you may want to learn is "allosexual." This just refers to people who are not asexual -- it's just meant to make it easier to have conversations about asexuality. It's similar to labeling someone as cisgender, which means your gender identity matches the sex you were assigned at birth. It's not a slur, it's not an insult, it's just a descriptor.

What is asexuality not?

Asexuality has nothing to do with how much someone likes, wants, or understands sex.

Some people on the asexual spectrum do enjoy sex, and some don't. And the context around which they participate in sex may vary. For example, some asexual people may have no particular interest in sex, but will do it with their partner because they want to please their partner. Other aces may do it because they enjoy it, or for work. These people are sex favorable. Some people are sex repulsed, and are very against the idea of participating. Some (and while I don't have a statistic, I'm willing to bet it's the majority) are just indifferent to sex; they might do it given the right conditions, but they don't care too much either way. Once again, asexuality is a spectrum, and it encompasses many different people. Celibacy may be a part of someone’s asexuality, but it's not an inherent aspect. It's important to remember that this spectrum also exists for allosexual people -- it's just as likely to meet a sex favorable ace as it is to meet a sex repulsed allo.

Asexual people, especially adults, are also not completely innocent. We know what sex is, even if it's not our cup of tea. Assuming that all of us are innocent little angels is really infantilizing, and not at all accurate.

Asexuality is also not a judgement on someone's relationship status. An asexual person isn't someone who just "not met the right person" or "can't find a partner." Asexual people might be aromatic (experiencing little to no romantic attraction), but not all are. And even aromantic people are not completely devoid of emotion and connection. We just don't experience that form of attraction. For alloromantic asexuals, we can still have romantic partners and relationships. Sex is not a mandatory part of a healthy relationship. There are many, many different types of attraction (some that even I'm still having to wrap my mind around!), all of which can play a role in a person's life.

Being Considerate

So, now that you know what asexuality is and is not (or at least have some idea), I'm sure you're found yourself with more questions. That's great, and I know the asexual community is very happy you're willing to educate yourself. But before you start, there are some things you should remember.

If a friend or family member comes out to you as ace, it's not an invitation to ask them about their sex life or habits. Asking if someone has sex, what they do or don't enjoy, things like that -- it's inappropriate to ask anybody randomly. Some asexual activists share their ... interests ... but someone simply being asexual doesn't give you the right to pry into their sex life.

Also, not every asexual wants to answer all your questions. Honestly, it gets exhausting when absolutely nobody understands your identity without us having to explain it to you. There are so many amazing ace activists out there (if you want some names, let me know); if you want to learn about asexuality, you can learn from one of them. This is also why I've decided to be so open about my identity. I don't mind sharing information, so I want to try to take that burden off of other asexual people.

Basically, just respect people's boundaries. If you wouldn't be comfortable talking about something, don't assume the asexual in question would be either. And it never hurts to just ask.

I think it’s super important for asexuality to be talked about more. Our society is hyper-sexualized, and it's hard for baby aces to figure out what's "wrong" with them. But there’s nothing wrong with us, we’re just ... different.

As far as those boundaries I mentioned earlier, I am happy (and kind of excited) to hopefully be someone that can help educate people on what asexuality. If I make even just a few people more comfortable with the idea of asexuality, I think it can do some good. Asexuals are not a hive mind -- I know I keep saying it, but asexuality is a spectrum with lots of different identities -- so I cannot speak for everyone. However, I think I'm pretty good starting place. Feel free to ask me whatever question you might have. If it's not something I'm willing to answer I'll let you know, but I'll try my best to answer any questions you might have.

Also, if you by chance happen to be another asexual person, or someone questioning, I hope you know that I love you and think you're incredibly valid. Remember that asexuality is a label that is here for you. If you want someone to talk to, feel free to reach out to me.

From yours truly,

Kendall