Book Thoughts: "Vanilla" by Billy Merrell

CW: acephobia, NSFW (contents of the book mostly)

This one might be controversial.

When it comes to engaging with media online, I'm a firm believer in only spreading positivity. As long as a piece of media isn't harmful (bullying) or hateful (bigoted), I don't see a reason to bring the creator down by widely proclaiming my dislike for it. This is why I'd normally never have any interest in writing a negative book review. But after reading Vanilla, I feel like I need to make an exception. I had it written down as a recommendation from TikTok video about books with ace main characters. As I'm sure you know, there's not a lot of ace representation out there, so I write down pretty much anything I come across. I fell in love with the cover (just look at it, it's gorgeous), and I think this proves to me why you can't ever judge a book by its cover.

The story is about two boys, Vanilla and Hunter, who have been together since they were in middle school. Now they're in high school and having to navigate the more adult parts of their relationship: simply put, Hunter wants to have sex and Vanilla doesn't. The book is them, along with their friend Angel, figuring out who they are both on their own and in relationship to one another.

I want to be very clear here: I wanted to like this book. I wanted to like it so bad. I had seen that the reviews were mixed, but I will usually rate anything with asexual representation a little bit higher. My hatred for this book comes from a place of disappointment, not anger.

To begin with, I do want to be fair where I can be. I didn't completely loath the book (when I rated it, I gave it a 4/10). One of the things I really liked about it was how the story was told in a series of poems. Each character had their own font; once you caught on to who was who, it was easy to follow along. I think that this is a really unique way of writing, and I'd love to see more books do it.

I also really enjoyed both Angel and Vanilla's characters. I cannot speak much to the quality of representation that Angel provides, but I really enjoyed them as a person. Vanilla, on the other hand, I can speak to the quality of representation -- it was just okay. I'm going to elaborate on this after the spoiler wall, but I wanted to mention it now to any potential-readers that I did really enjoy both characters. Their development was by far the most interesting part of the story.

Unfortunately, that's about all the credit I can give the book. It was glaringly obvious that the author was allo and didn't intend to write about asexuality (more on that later), and I really hated Hunter's storyline. And Hunter as a whole, honestly. Also, I'm not going to claim to be a poet, but sometimes it felt less like I was reading poetry and more like I was reading a paragraph that had been chopped up to add drama. Hunter was meant to be this character who expressed himself through poetry, and I didn't see that reflected in the quality of his poems compared to the others.

I think the most honest review I can give of this book is that you should read it with a critical eye, and it should absolutely not be read for the sake of consuming ace representation. Specifically if you are ace. I don't know if there are any baby aces here, but if you are, please don't let this book be one of the first times you see someone like you represented. I have other great recommendations to give you, and we'll come back to this one when you're ready. The way Vanilla is talked about by other characters hurts even me, and I'm the person who willingly looks at acephobia online in order to complain about it on a blog. You shouldn't put yourself through that right away.

Actually, let me revise that. No one should have this be their first representation of asexuality. I don't want you reading this book and believing you now understand ace people. Read it to understand acephobia, if anything. Or the struggles that ace people face. But not for good representation. It bothers me how many people recommend this as ace representation when the actual representation can be described as okay at best (and that's being generous).

We have officially reached the spoiler alert wall. If you want to read this book (and go in blind), that's your choice. If you want to know more about my concerns without spoilers so that you can read it, just let me know. But if you just want to hear all my uncensored thoughts, read on! This is your warning.

Okay, are we ready? Prepare yourself: I'm an English major and was actively annotating the book.

First, I want to talk about Angel, because I really did love them a lot. I'm going to keep referring to them as Angel and using they/them pronouns, but they do start the story with a different name/pronouns (I'm just not sure the etiquette for fictional characters, so I'm going to do the same thing I'd do with a real person). Their poems were easily the best part of the book. Again, I cannot speak on how well-written Angel was as a nonbinary person, but they had the best development in the whole story. Although they were mostly just an accessory to Vanilla and Hunter's story, they did get to become who they really are along with the boys. I really loved the poem "Naming Oneself" -- of all the poems, I genuinely liked this one and thought it worked best independently from the story as a whole.

Now I want to talk more specifically about how Vanilla's asexuality is handled. Buckle up, because we're walking through the whole story.

Vanilla doesn't learn that he's asexual until the last 60 pages or so, which is not inherently bad. I get it, it's a book about discovering yourself. But unfortunately, Vanilla's aversion to sex is treated as something that's fundamentally wrong with him. Once he discovers the word asexuality, the way it's talked about does improve a little. A little.

Very early on in the book, the way that the characters feel about an aversion to sex is established, and it's not good:

"'Being gay isn't only about the sex part,' I explain.

I don't understand why the statement confuses them.

Even Hunter, on the phone, after my family is sleeping.

'Not all gay people have sex, but it's the sex part

that makes us gay,' he says, as if I'm not gay

until I have sex with him." (Vanilla, 28)

Now, while I'm here to talk about the acephobia in the book, I feel like I should also point out that this is a pretty homophobic take as well. In the same way that little boys (both prepubescents and anyone generally under 18) can have crushed on little girls, they can also have crushes on little boys. And all before sex even becomes part of the equation. But I digress. The idea that sexuality -- that love -- is only valid because of sex is obviously acephobic. As Vanilla is swift to point out, he's in a happy relationship with Hunter despite the fact that they haven't had sex, and he's not less gay just because he doesn't want to go beyond kissing.

This foundational belief that sex is a necessary part of every relationship (and, consequently, that something's wrong with you if you're not interested) is the groundwork for the rest of the story. Occasionally, Hunter will share some wild, aggressively-incorrect statements about sexuality, and all of them are ignorant. In one particular poem, after a party where both boys feel embarrassed, they get into an argument once again about Vanilla not wanting to have sex. Once again, Hunter has some ... thoughts:

"'I'm sex-positive, too,' Vanilla says,

like he's chasing me. When all I wanted

was a boyfriend who wouldn't need to.

'You're sex-phobic," I say,

because it's what I believe.

What he's all but called himself,

claiming not to be ready.

Even though he masturbates.

Even though he knows how he feels.

Even though he loves me." (Hunter, 68)

This is probably one of the only times I'm going to talk about masturbation (both in my normal life and on my blog), just because I need to clear up a common misconception about asexuality. It's one of the few topics I feel weird talking about, but if you're interested, you can probably find other ace activists talking about it. As I've established, asexuality does not inherently mean being repulsed by everything having to do with sex. Sometimes that is the case, and sometimes people are really eager to have sex with others. And sometimes, people may enjoy doing their own thing without the involvement of other people. It's not really relevant to someone's asexuality, nor their desire to have sex.

It's also worth pointing out that "sex positive" has nothing to do with one's own personal decision to have (or not have) sex -- that's "sex favorable." Sex positivity has to do with the idea that people are free to explore and embrace their asexuality without judgment. [I talk more about this in a post you can find here but full disclosure, this is one of the first posts I wrote.]

Now that we have that out of the way, let's talk about the rest of the quote. This section really got to me when I was reading it: the note I wrote said "I don't think I can keep reading this book in one sitting" because of how uncomfortable I felt for Vanilla. Wanting or not wanting to have sex with someone is not a factor in determining how much you love them. This whole passage is Hunter judging Vanilla and declaring that, if Vanilla really loved him, sex wouldn't be a problem. In his mind, Vanilla's asexuality is something wrong with Vanilla, not something they just both need to discuss. It becomes a burden that Vanilla is placing on Hunter, when really it has nothing to do with Hunter at all.

Now, to be fair, I'm not sure I can call this a criticism of the book. Vanilla is not even close to realizing he's asexual at this point. However, it does make me really uncomfortable that these ideas are being presented without context or nuance, and once we receive more context, they're still never properly challenged.

For what it's worth, I did keep reading. But all I wanted to do was steal Vanilla and hide him from this horrible plot. He made a couple references to feeling broken (something that I think every ace person can identify with), and he keeps blaming himself for his feelings. This is, personally, when I started to genuinely despise Hunter. He starts feeling neglected in his relationship, so he reaches out to people online. Merrell drops a poem in the middle of the book that seems to imply that Hunter shared Vanilla's nudes online anonymously, which is just never brought up again. He also starts to reach out to other guys online and flirting, but justifies it by always telling them he's in a relationship. Vanilla is not nearly as bothered by this as I am, but that's a personal choice.

Anyway, we're going to skip ahead a lot to when someone finally defines asexuality to poor Vanilla. After Hunter and Vanilla break up, Angel and Vanilla grow pretty close. Vanilla is describing his feelings about sex and how he just really doesn't want to do it, but he's not sure why. Angel points out that perhaps he's asexual, and that there are plenty of people who don't feel attraction.

"'But I'm attracted to Hunter,' I argue

wanting so badly for Angel to be right.

'You think he's beautiful, because he is,'

Angel says. 'People are attracted to beauty.

We want to be near it, surrounded by it

on all sides. But are you sexually attracted

to him?'" (Vanilla, 237)

I will begrudging admit that this is a really good way to put the difference between aesthetic and sexual attraction into words. Ace people will often joke (or maybe half-joke) that we aren't blind and we can, in fact, see when people are attractive. We just don't particularly care. That's a very simple way to put it, and (annoyingly) I do like the book better. Vanilla goes on to talk about how there was never a time when he thought about people or sex in the same way that others do. He can objectively recognize when someone is attractive, but it doesn't really do anything to him -- it's just a fact. With Angel's help, he starts to realize he might actually fit this label:

"If it's true that there are people,

healthy normal people like me,

who have accepted it,

then maybe I don't have to keep apologizing

to Hunter or myself or anyone else." (Vanilla, 239)

Now, listen. I stand by everything I've said thus far about how bad this book is in terms of ace representation. But this is the closest we get to Hunter's blatant acephobia from early being countered, and I really did like how it was done. Specifically Vanilla realizing that he has absolutely nothing to apologize for, despite the fact that he's been treated as a freak for the last 230ish pages by the person that matters the most to him.

When he gets home, Vanilla googles a bunch of information about asexual people, and for the first time in this book he seems genuinely happy and hopeful about his future. And you know what? I did cry. Not because I like the book. I just like seeing ace people happy, and I'm a wimp. But when I said the book was rated 4/10, this part is why.

Anyway, my spirits were swiftly crushed as we switch back to Hunter's point of view, where he is being his usual obnoxious self. Vanilla decides to come out to everyone as ace, to which he receives a variety of responses. There's nothing to note from any of those (general acephobia, nothing new) other than Hunter, who decides to make the whole thing about himself. The poem is titled "Three Strikes," in which Hunter outlines the three problems that Vanilla made when coming out to him.

1. Hunter tells Vanilla that he doesn't know what to say, to which Vanilla replies: "You're not supposed to say anything. You're supposed to listen."

2. Vanilla asks if Hunter could love him exclusively romantically. Hunter questions how Vanilla could ask that of anyone. Vanilla says that he thought Hunter was be relieved.

3. Hunter's third strike is not specifically outlined, but it's presumably when Vanilla says, "I thought you'd be grateful, knowing the problem wasn't you."

There's a lot to unpack here, but I first want to get something out of the way. I am under no circumstances advocating for Hunter and Vanilla to stay together. They are not a good match for each other, and their relationship is really unhealthy on both sides. If we want to specifically look at the second point, I don't think it's fair for Vanilla to ask Hunter for a completely sexless relationship -- their needs haven't changed just because Vanilla now has a word to describe his feelings.

That being said, Hunter is way out of line here. He makes Vanilla's asexuality all about himself and how it affects his perception of their relationship. My dear reader, I don't know if you've picked up on this, but Vanilla has been quite clear about his feelings towards sex throughout this entire story. But now he finally has a label, a word that makes him feel normal, and Hunter decides to throw a fit. This is what Vanilla means when he says that Hunter should just listen. His asexuality is entirely his own, and has nothing to do with Hunter. There's nothing for Hunter to add to Vanilla coming out.

The third point is just Hunter intending to hurt Vanilla. His big retort is that he is "grateful it's not my problem anymore" (254). Yes, he says this to Vanilla's face. He is treating asexuality as if it is a burden that someone (in this case, Vanilla) is placing on their potential partner (in this case, himself). He calls it a problem. TO VANILLA'S FACE. And the worst part is that it's never addressed. Hunter gets another poem right after this where he has another temper tantrum about how he feels like Vanilla never really loved him. How he wasn't even left with a "consolation prize" (255). As if Vanilla magically became asexual in order to personally spite Hunter.

I've said it before, and I apparently need to say it again: Vanilla was asexual throughout their entire relationship. He just didn't have the word for it. And Hunter was acephobic for just as long, but that never actually gets labeled.

Okay. Let's all take a deep breath. Because now, our beloved Angel is back to smack some sense into Hunter.

Hunter decides to take his acephobia on the road and discuss Vanilla's new identity with Angel. He expressed that he doesn't even believe asexuality is a thing, and that it's just an excuse, or "another way to make me feel bad" (259). I feel like I need to just quote the conversation directly, as Angel puts it into words much better than I can:

"'Can't he simply not be ready?

Just the way he always said? Doesn't he want to fall in love?'

I shake my head, thinking,

That's what they used to say about gay people.

'I'm reminded of a quote

by Maya Angelou. The poet,' I say,

''When people show you who they are,

believe them.''" (Angel, 259-260)

Finally, for the one and only time, we get to see Hunter's ignorance shut down even a little bit. The implication that aces can't fall in love is one of the most ridiculous acephobic arguments out there, especially considering many aces do experience romantic attraction. However, in this instance in particular, I just had to read so many poems about these two being in love for their entire lives, and then Hunter has the audacity to imply that Vanilla is incapable of love. If anyone should be aware of the difference between sexual and romantic attraction, it should be Hunter who has spent almost his entire childhood in a relationship with an ace person! But no, of course he wouldn't.

Thankfully we have Angel here to point out that Hunter is, in fact, stupid. And they put it quite elegantly, too. Part of me likes to interpret the quote from Angelou to be a reference to the fact that Hunter has proven himself time and time again to not care about Vanilla's boundaries and feelings. However, I think that what Angel is trying to point out is the thing I keep repeating. Nothing about Vanilla changed when he came out other than the language he was using, and it's not Vanilla's fault that Hunter can't handle that.

The story ends with Hunter and Vanilla not being in a relationship, and instead loving each other for who they are as friends. I think we'd consider this the good or neutral ending. I did start to hate Hunter a little bit less as we reached the conclusion, but that's being generous. He never expressly apologizes to Vanilla for being a jerk, which I would've liked to see. Or even just to have seen his acephobic rhetoric challenged. Most of the poetry was just a retelling of events or dialogue, but suddenly we care a lot about being poetic when it comes to excusing Hunter's prejudice.

If I could choose how to end Vanilla, I would've made a few changes. First, I would've liked to see Vanilla end up either in a relationship or learning towards a relationship. While this is not necessary for every ace person ever, I think it would've been good given his development to get to experience what an asexual affirming relationship looks like. Next, I would have liked Vanilla to refuse a friendship with Hunter until both of them are able to acknowledge that while their relationship was toxic on both ends, Hunter's acephobia was out of line and widely inappropriate. I want an apology from Hunter for everything he said.

When I said early that it was painfully obvious to me that Vanilla was written by an allo guy, I really did mean it. In the acknowledgements, Merrell recognizes 87 young ace writers that helped influence him. He had started writing Vanilla and didn't have a direction that really felt right. It was when he was reading poetry for a contest and came across many poems about the ace experience that he realized he had accidentally written an ace character, and decided to take the story in that direction. Now, I'm not someone who thinks queer books must be own voices (I'll probably talk more about that later), but this did bother me. It gives more validity to Hunter's acephobia, specifically everything expressed before the word "asexual" is even written. Both of the boys are presented as if they have valid points of view. And while Hunter is absolutely valid in wanting to be in a relationship with someone who shares the same sexual needs as him, he has no right to continuously blame Vanilla. Even if Vanilla had been allo, Hunter's attitude wouldn't have been appropriate. But since Vanilla was ace, it's just hurtful to see this opinion presented as just one side of an argument rather than blatant prejudice.

If you're going to read this, I would really suggest finding other books with asexual characters first. Or at least take into consideration what I've said. Vanilla's story is something that I think a lot of other aces can relate to, but the treatment he faced from Hunter was painful to read as an ace person. A lot of aces have to work very deliberately to overcome their internalized acephobia that tells them they will never find someone to love them because of their asexuality, or that their asexuality is creating problems for other people. But neither of those are true. And I don't want this book to let any of you think that it is.

From yours truly,

Kendall